Cyril Figgis: Love Detective
by Red Witch
Summary: Cyril goes on a dating website and has mixed results.


**I think Cyril lost the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. Well these guys had to do something those three months Archer was in a coma. Here's one possibility.**

 **Cyril Figgis: Love Detective **

"CYRIL!" Pam shouted as she walked through the Figgis Agency. "CYRIL!"

"You don't have to shout Pam," Ray winced as he walked behind her. Along with Lana and Cheryl.

"Look Cyril is the tiebreaker," Pam said.

"Why can't Krieger be the tiebreaker?" Cheryl asked.

"You **know** why!" Lana gave her a look.

"Not really," Cheryl blinked.

"In a debate which is **better?** " Ray asked. "Ducks or rabbits?"

"Which would give Krieger ideas to combine the two," Lana groaned.

"Oh right," Cheryl realized. "I get it now."

" **Do** you?" Lana sighed.

"Yes!" Cheryl snapped. "I'm not a complete moron!"

"That is debatable," Lana grumbled.

"Cyril!" Pam stormed into Cyril's office.

Cyril was at the computer and nearly jumped with fright. "What?" Cyril snapped acting defensively. "Shut up! What?"

"What'cha doin'?" Pam asked.

"Nothing," Cyril said as he turned from the computer.

"Yanking it to porn again, are we?" Pam snickered.

"NO!" Cyril tried to cover his computer screen with his hands. "It's not important."

"If it's not important than why hide it from us?" Lana asked.

"None of your damn business!" Cyril snapped. "PAM!" She had muscled her way in to look.

"An internet dating site?" Pam looked at the computer. "Huh. I was expecting porn."

"Me too," Ray admitted.

"Look I'm in a dating slump okay?" Cyril snapped.

"We kind of figured that when you were humping Robo Lana," Pam snorted.

"A _dating website_ Cyril?" Lana scoffed. "Pathetic."

"And when was the last time **you** got any?" Cyril snapped at her.

"He's got a point," Ray shrugged.

"Hey!" Lana protested. "My situation is completely different than his!"

"You're right," Cheryl shrugged. "Cyril's just horny and lonely. You're horny and lonely because you have thing for a guy in a coma. Who may or may not be dating you depending if you two are still on break!"

"Yeah that is way worse," Ray admitted.

"HA!" Cyril snapped.

"You always take his side!" Lana whirled on Cheryl.

"I never…" Cheryl then paused. "Wait, do I?"

"At least I'm **trying** to do something about my failed love life!" Cyril snapped. "What are **you** doing? Or should that be **whom** are you doing? I'll tell you! Nothing and **no one!"**

"Again! A _completely different situation_ Cyril!" Lana snapped. "Archer is in a coma! I can't resolve our relationship until he's **conscious!** "

"Oh sure," Cyril scoffed. " **That** old excuse!"

"Right?" Cheryl laughed.

"Cyril, you know people on these websites lie all the time?" Lana asked.

"Yeah if you're looking for liars you might as well date Cheryl again," Pam snorted.

"Been there, done him," Cheryl waved.

"Lana, Couple's Connections is a very reputable website," Cyril snapped. "And I paid the extra twenty-five-dollar fee to specifically help me weed out the crazies!"

"Oh, you paid money to a **website** ," Ray rolled his eyes. "Oh yeah that's **totally reliable**!"

"You know…?" Cyril gave him a look.

There was a ding from the computer. "What do you know? A match already!" Cyril went to the computer after slightly shoving Pam aside. "Sylvia Stanhope. 39…An insurance agent looking to settle down and have a family."

"Desperate," Lana scoffed as she folded her arms.

"Said the pot to the kettle," Cyril rolled his eyes.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" Lana roared.

"He meant you're both lonely and desperate and you shouldn't judge the internet lady!" Cheryl rolled her eyes. "Not the black thing! Jesus! Get the political correctness out of your ears!"

"She actually looks kind of cute," Ray looked at the picture of a blonde woman with glasses. "I wonder what's wrong with her?"

"There is nothing necessarily wrong with her!" Cyril snapped. "Just because she's on a dating website…"

"Cyril **you're** on a dating website so…" Pam snorted.

"I can't believe I ever dated you," Lana groaned.

"Twice!" Pam laughed.

"Oh God!" Lana groaned. "I dated him _twice!"_

"HA!" Pam laughed.

"That is funny!" Cheryl laughed.

"You both had sex with him!" Lana snapped.

"Yeah but I didn't date him!" Pam snapped. "Only sex!"

"I was only using him to get back at Archer and torture you," Cheryl added. "And I was bored. You're the only idiot that was in an **actual relationship** with him."

"Twice!" Pam added.

"WILL YOU PEOPLE GET OUT OF HERE?" Cyril shouted. "Don't you have somewhere else to be?"

"Not really no," Pam shrugged.

"What about work?" Cyril snapped. "Have you done anything today?"

"Does taking a dump count?" Pam asked.

"The answer is **no** ," Ray said dryly.

"Well then go **find** something to do!" Cyril snapped.

"Or in Lana's case **someone,** " Cheryl giggled.

"Burn," Ray quipped.

"Just go!" Cyril groaned.

"Hang on!" Pam said. "Which is better, ducks or rabbits?"

"For… _eating_?" Cyril blinked.

"Ooh! I forgot we can eat both ducks and rabbits," Pam realized. "Which is rather out of character for me."

"Just tell us which you think sounds better," Ray sighed. "Ducks or rabbits?"

"I guess they're both okay," Cyril shrugged.

"Well now you just sound like Krieger," Pam grumbled.

"Told you it was a bad idea to ask him," Cheryl gave her a look. "Let's ask Ms. Archer!"

"She's not here Ding Dong Duck Brain!" Pam snapped. "She's at the hospital with Archer! Remember?"

"Honestly, I've always been a little partial to sheep," Cyril shrugged. "Especially after the restaurant incident with the lambs' heads."

"That's not even a choice!" Pam snapped.

"Gee Cyril identifies with sheep," Ray rolled his eyes. "Shocker."

"Is that why you wear a lot of sweater vests?" Cheryl asked.

"Do I even want to **know** what brought this on?" Cyril asked with a sigh.

"Let's just say we've been watching a lot of syndicated television lately," Lana admitted.

"Of course," Cyril sighed. "Just go away."

"You're not my supervisor!" Cheryl snapped.

"YES, I AM!" Cyril shouted.

"Since when?" Cheryl blinked. To this Cyril responded with a frustrated scream.

"Come on," Lana sighed as she started to walk away. "We really should have known better than to expect _Cyril_ to solve anything."

"AND I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER THAN TO DATE A NEUROTIC ARCHER OBSESSESED LUNATIC LIKE YOU!" Cyril snapped.

Lana whirled on him and narrowed her eyes. "You wanna take that statement **back?** "

"Desperately," Cyril groaned.

"Thought so," Lana grumbled as she walked away.

"Seriously Cyril," Ray rolled his eyes as he left with the others. "You grow and lose balls at the worst times!"

"One day I am going to grow balls enough to leave those lunatics," Cyril grumbled. "Or burn this place to the ground. One day…"

"Right now today is the day I meet Miss Right! Honestly, I'd settle for Miss Right Now. Sylvia Stanhope," Cyril looked at the picture. "You know what? I'm going for it! I can set up a date tonight! Why not?"

"So how do I impress her? I don't want to be too braggy," Cyril realized. "But not completely boring either…AH! What am I thinking? I'll talk about my agency! As a detective agency. But not about the spy agency/drug cartel/arms dealing/taking over San Marcos/CIA contractors thing…That might be a turn off."

Later that evening at the Strega Rosa restaurant…

"No, I don't find that to be a turn off," Sylvia Stanhope smiled as she sat across the table from Cyril. "I find accounting interesting."

"Oh good," Cyril chuckled nervously as he looked at the lovely woman in a blue dress and blue glasses. "A lot of people think it's dumb and boring."

"That's ridiculous," Sylvia shook her head.

"You know what is ridiculous?" Cyril asked. "How good this pasta was. I am serious. The chefs here are geniuses. Must be homemade."

"It was good," Sylvia finished her pasta. "But I want to talk more about you."

"Really?" Cyril blinked. "I mean okay. I mean I didn't want you think I was one of those guys who just brags about his work and stuff. Am I right?"

Sylvia went on. "I mean you were able to solve the Long Water scandal by using accounting. That's a big deal."

"Well yes that was me," Cyril said. "I can't believe you know that."

"Well it was on the news for a while," Sylvia remarked. "Still is. Parts of it. Isn't one of your agents in a coma?"

"Oh yes," Cyril shrugged. "Terrible tragedy. Oh well…Life goes on."

"Don't remind me."

"Oh no…"Cyril felt a chill through his body at the sound of Mallory Archer's voice. "Please let this be a psychotic break…"

He turned around and saw Mallory Archer in a nice dress giving him a scathing look. "Damn it. It's real," Cyril grumbled before taking a drink from his wine glass.

"Why is it **everywhere** I go...?" Mallory glared at him. "No matter what I do or whatever precautions I take I end up running into one of the Idiot Brigade? I mean Los Angeles is over five hundred and two square miles and yet I keep running into you idiots like this was Mayberry?"

"What are **you** doing here?" Cyril asked.

"I have this strange condition," Mallory said sarcastically. "Every now and then I need to eat. Weird I know."

"Especially for you," Cyril said. "Seeing that you get most of your nourishment from alcohol and insults."

Mallory looked at Sylvia critically. "Who's this?" She asked. "A client?"

"Mallory this is Sylvia," Cyril sighed. "She's my date. Sylvia, Mallory."

"Nice to meet you," Sylvia said cheerfully.

"Wait a minute," Cyril groaned. " **That** will change."

 _"A date?"_ Mallory raised an eyebrow. "How much are you charging for her?"

"She's **not** a **hooker**!" Cyril shouted. Accidentally drawing attention from the diners. He lowered his voice. "She's a very nice woman I met online. An insurance agent."

"If this is your idea of getting us an insurance policy with a lower rate," Mallory sniffed. "I'm telling you right now this isn't going to work. Trust me on this one."

"I thought **your policy** was to pretend that you don't know any of us when you go out," Cyril said sarcastically.

"Normally yes," Mallory sighed. "But we have a lousy table."

"And whose fault is **that**?" Ron walked up to them. "I'm not the one who insulted the hostess!"

"All I said to that Irish tart is that I didn't have a potato to tip her," Mallory sniffed.

"My God woman you are the biggest snob I have ever met!" Ron snapped.

"Here we go," Cyril groaned as he finished his wine in one gulp.

"I took you out to this restaurant to comfort you," Ron snapped. "Not for you to act like an ass!"

"Oh, you take me to an Italian restaurant with an Irish staff to make me feel better?" Mallory snapped. "What's next Ron? Chinese food from the Swedish?"

"Why is it every time I try to do something nice for you, you criticize me?" Ron yelled at his wife.

"Maybe if you did something **right** for a change…?" Mallory snapped back.

"You're one to talk!" Ron shouted.

"Check please!" Cyril shouted.

"Just what do you mean by that crack?" Mallory put her hands on her hips and glared at Ron.

"What do you **think** it means?" Ron shouted. "Ms. Failed Illegal Spy Agency Slash Failed Drug Dealer Slash Failing Detective Agency!"

"I was **never** a drug dealer!" Mallory snapped. "More like a manager."

"Yeah you managed to lose more cocaine than John DeLorean!" Ron snapped.

"Seriously, check! **Now**!" Cyril shouted. A waiter came up to him with the bill.

"But I wanted dessert," Sylvia pouted.

"THAT WAS NOT MY FAULT!" Mallory shouted.

"Not here," Cyril groaned as he paid the bill. "Just **not here."**

 **"Nothing** is ever **your fault!"** Ron shouted at her. "God woman you don't ever accept one iota of responsibility for the damage you and your crazy crew cause! I've met mob guys that were more responsible! AND HAD MORE CLASS!"

"I have more class in my finger than you do in your **whole body,** Ron!" Mallory shouted. "Guess which one it is?"

"We should go," Cyril told Sylvia.

"But…" Sylvia began.

"Trust me Sylvia," Cyril said as he got up. "This is **not** going to get any better. Let's just get out of here."

"Give it a rest Mallory!" Ron snapped. "Nobody believes you're innocent anymore!"

"Speaking of innocent how do **you** know mob guys?" Mallory snapped as Cyril escorted Sylvia away from the table.

"What? Mobsters can't buy cars legitimately at very good prices?" Ron snapped. "It's not like I ever **dated** one!"

"WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT **THAT**?" Mallory shouted. "It was Pam wasn't it! When I get a hold of her fat mouth…"

"Cyril…?" Sylvia was confused.

"Don't look back," Cyril ushered her out. "Just don't look back."

"How do you **know** that woman?" Sylvia asked.

"Don't ask," Cyril groaned. "Just don't ask."

"I can't believe I ever thought **a tramp** like you had class!" Ron shouted.

"I'm going to tramp all over **you!** " Mallory shouted. "You low class louse!"

"How about some ice cream?" Cyril said quickly. "Let's go out for ice cream! I really want to go out for ice cream!"

About twenty minutes later at an ice cream parlor, Cyril and Sylvia found themselves finishing up their sundaes. "And that's what it's like being an insurance agent," Sylvia finished her tale before having another bite of her banana split.

"That is fascinating," Cyril said as he finished his rocky road sundae.

"I have to say Cyril," Sylvia remarked. "It's nice to talk to a guy who really listens. Most guys I meet up with just want to talk about themselves and brag about their lives."

"Well…" Cyril said diplomatically. "I find it's best that I say as little about **myself** as possible. I mean, I want to get to know you. You don't **want** to know about me. I mean, you don't want to be bored about me going on and on about myself."

"Trust me. You **don't** want him going on and on about himself."

"Oh my God," Cyril groaned as he saw Lana holding a fidgeting AJ. "This really is like Mayberry."

"What are **you** doing here?" Lana asked.

"I'm on a date with Sylvia," Cyril pointed. "What are **you** doing here?"

"I'm performing open heart surgery," Lana said sarcastically. "What do you **think?** "

"Isn't it a little late to have ice cream for her?" Cyril asked as he looked at AJ.

"Since when are you Dr. Spock?" Lana snapped. "We ate late. Because I picked AJ up late because those idiots wouldn't shut up about ducks and rabbits!"

"Ducks and rabbits?" Sylvia blinked.

"Don't ask," Cyril sighed.

"DANGER ZONE!" AJ laughed. "Ice cream!"

"Yes, AJ ice cream," Lana sighed. "So, Sylvia, why exactly are **you** dating Cyril? You don't look that damaged."

"Phrasing!" AJ shouted cheerfully.

"Hey Sylvia want to see my office?" Cyril said quickly. "Let's go see my office!"

"AJ! I told you to **not** say that word!" Lana groaned. "Especially out of context!"

"But I…" Sylvia was about to protest when Cyril managed to get her away from the table.

"Good luck with him honey!" Lana called out as they left. "YOU'LL NEED IT!"

"Who **was** that woman?" Sylvia asked Cyril.

"Just uh someone I work with," Cyril sighed. "Let's go to my office!"

"You seem to know a lot of people," Sylvia gave him a look. "A lot of loud people."

"You don't know the half of it," Cyril groaned.

Soon Cyril was showing Sylvia his office. "And this is my office!" Cyril said proudly as he turned on the lights. "Of my agency!"

"Wow this is a nice agency," Sylvia looked around.

"Thank you," Cyril grinned. "I wanted to show you that I have my own business. Because I am a solid dependable guy. Not some playboy who dicks around and has his **mommy** pay all the bills."

"Uh…" Sylvia blinked, clearly confused.

Cyril went on with a dark look in his eyes. "I'm not a guy that thinks he can run around and do whatever he wants, whenever he wants and stick his dick everywhere and there's **no** consequences! Well you're facing the consequences **now** aren't you Archer? I'm out here living my life and your brain **is literally** vegetating away every day!"

"Uh…." Sylvia was getting a little worried.

"I may not have the best life but at least it **is** a life!" Cyril shouted. "Compared to what you have! You pissed away all your chances and now you are literally pissing in a tube! You always thought that I was a loser and you were a winner! GUESS WHAT ARCHER? I'M HERE! YOU'RE NOT! **WINNING**!"

"Cyril!" Sylvia shouted.

"Sorry," Cyril gulped as he regained his senses. "I went away for a minute. I'm back now."

"O-kay…" Sylvia blinked. "You seemed to get a little crazy for a minute. Totally not judging. It's just…"

"Sorry about that. Let's just say I've had a few…" Cyril paused. "Relationships that didn't exactly work out. And left a few scars on me."

"You mean when you were dating Lana?" Cheryl appeared in the doorway sniffing glue. "And you were banging me and anyone who would touch you on the side? And then you like had at total mental breakdown when she dumped your ass?"

"CHERYL!" Cyril snapped.

"Or the second time you got back together with Lana and she decided to steal Archer's sperm and have a baby with him?" Cheryl went on. "And you totally had a breakdown over that. And masturbated in a few elevators."

"CHERYL!" Cyril snapped.

"Or when you got so drunk you banged Pam?" Cheryl giggled. "And possibly Ray…"

"CHERYL SHUT UP!" Cyril shouted.

"Who is **this**?" Sylvia blinked.

"Cheryl what are **you** doing here?" Cyril groaned.

"Glue sniffing break!" Cheryl giggled.

"Who is **this** woman?" Sylvia asked Cyril.

"This is Cheryl," Cyril sighed. "My secretary…And we sort of had an affair once."

 **"Once?"** Cheryl laughed. "You f-##$-ed me on a _blimp_! And in San Marcos. And I'm pretty sure we did it during one of our blackout drunks these past few months."

"You were blackmailing me!" Cyril snapped.

"Not during San Marcos or recently stupid!" Cheryl snorted before she took a lick of glue. "Hmmm…Gluey…"

"Hang on," Sylvia looked at Cyril. "Your secretary is a woman you had **an affair** with? You work with a woman you used to **sleep with**? Several times?"

"Not just me," Cheryl told her. "Lana and Pam work here too."

" **Three** women who you used to date work with you?" Sylvia snapped.

"Four if you count Robot Lana," Cheryl added. "And Ray…"

"RAY DOES **NOT** COUNT!" Cyril snapped.

"I dunno…" Cheryl laughed.

"If you are referring to the incident in the closet I thought he was Scatterbrain Jane!" Cyril snapped. "They both had a mustache at the same time."

"I was talking about the incident in Archer's bathroom when we threw a baby shower for that hooker baby," Cheryl snorted. "You remember? You had sex with her, too right?"

"Hooker baby?" Sylvia looked at Cyril in horror.

"Archer knocked up a hooker!" Cyril snapped. "Not me!"

"Who's Archer again?" Sylvia asked.

"The guy in the coma," Cyril groaned. "A real asshole. Trust me. You don't want to meet him. We already met his mother."

"I banged him too," Cheryl snorted as she tasted more glue.

"You'd bang…." Cyril was frustrated. "Pick a name in the phone book!"

"O-kay…" Sylvia sighed as she rummaged through her purse. "I was going to save this for later but now is as good a time as any…"

"What a condom?" Cheryl scoffed. "Hope you got a big one!"

"It's medium sized," Sylvia pulled out a gun. "But it gets the job done."

"This date is not going well, is it?" Cyril sighed as he held up his hands.

"Do any of your dates **ever** go well?" Cheryl laughed.

"Shut up!" Cyril snapped

"You know?" Sylvia pointed the gun at them. "I always think I would feel bad for the jerk every time I do this. But honestly, I never do. In your case, I think this is **justified!** "

"EEEE!" Cheryl jumped up and down excitedly. "Are you gonna tie us up and rip off our clothes and beat us up while you do a three-way gang rape?"

Sylvia looked at Cheryl in shock. **"NO!** I'm going to rob you idiots!"

POW!

THUNK!

Sylvia passed out on the floor when Pam hit her from behind with a vase. "No, you're not," Pam said. "Damn that was a nice vase."

"That's going in the scrap book!" Cheryl laughed.

"Can't have nice things," Pam shook her head.

"Pam what are **you** doing here?" Cyril asked. "Not that I'm complaining…"

"We're having a poker game in the break room," Pam told him. "When we heard you having a mental breakdown across the office I sent Gluey Newmar over here to investigate. Then I decided to make sure she knew what she was supposed to be investigating."

"I thought you said you weren't going to play poker in here anymore!" Cyril snapped.

"Obviously that was a lie," Pam remarked. "Speaking of which…" She picked up the gun. "Cheryl get those spare handcuffs from my desk."

"OOH! YAY!" Cheryl skipped out.

"Why do you have handcuffs?" Cyril asked. "For bounty hunting assignments?"

Pam paused. "I could use them for that too!"

"Never mind," Cyril groaned. "I'm sorry I asked!"

"What's going on?" Ray asked as he and Krieger walked in.

"Cyril's date tried to rob him," Pam told the other two. "You numb nuts owe me ten bucks each!"

"God I hate dating in LA," Cyril groaned.

The following day…

"So get this," Pam retells the story to the entire Figgis Agency in the bullpen. "After we called the cops and they showed up, it turns out little Miss Sylvia Stanhope wasn't who she said she was. Her real name was Irma Fishman."

"She was a con artist that's been using dating sites to scam and steal from men for over three years," Ray added. "In seven states!"

"And she picked Cyril as her latest target," Mallory sighed as she took a drink. "Will wonders never cease?"

"You know?" Cyril grumbled as he drank some scotch.

"And get this," Pam added. "This Fishman dame had a reward for her arrest. Ten thousand dollars! We get a check for **ten thousand dollars!"**

"You're kidding?" Lana gasped.

"God, I love poker night," Krieger grinned.

"Is that **true?** " Mallory gasped.

"They're wiring the check this afternoon," Cyril sighed. "And yes, this time I remembered to get a receipt. Boy, I sure can pick them can't I?"

"You sure can," Cheryl laughed.

"Look at the bright side Cyril," Ray said. "You helped catch a dangerous criminal and made the agency ten thousand dollars. That's nothing to sneeze at."

"And more importantly," Mallory added. "Our agency was able to improve our reputation. You and the other idiots actually solved a case! For once your pathetic loneliness was useful!"

"Yeah, you're like a bait car for dangerous chicks," Pam nodded. "I bet if you went back on that dating site we could get a couple more and get more money."

"You're so pathetic they can't help but show up," Cheryl realized. "And you can lure them to the agency on an excuse to show them your office. And when they make the wrong move we'll be here to trap them! Like carrots!"

"Are you people telling me you want me to humiliate myself some more just so this agency can make more money?" Cyril snapped.

Then he deflated. "Well it's not like I have anything better to do."

"That's the spirt!" Pam grinned and lightly punched him in the shoulder. "Come on! I bet we can find another live wire this afternoon!"

"God, I hate my life," Cyril groaned as he got up and went to his office with Pam and Cheryl. "And I think God hates my life!"

"He does screw with him a lot," Ray remarked to the others. "You got to admit."

"Uh huh," Mallory nodded.

"Oh yeah," Lana agreed.


End file.
